Club Jade

Remember how Tyra Banks got a book deal last year? Well, Modelland is officially in the publishing pipeline for a September 13th release, and if the sample chapter is anything to judge by, this shit is crazy.

First off, the heroine’s name is Tookie De La Crème. Yes, I did copy and paste that directly, and I’m pretty sure that somewhere in the depths of basic cable a drag queen is cursing Tyra for getting there first.

There’s also a feather eyepiece ‘smize’ (What? Yes.) that increases ones chances of being an ‘Intoxibella’ (supermodel) “by 91 percent.” 91 percent!

And then there’s this:

Scores of girls marched down their own stretches of the square, paused, posed for the cameras (real and imaginary), and then turned around. Trains of walking girls intersected with others. One area behind Tookie was so crammed with street vendors, it bottlenecked into a slow, shuffling line. Some walkers had only enough space to take a few steps before they had to stop and turn. Tookie’s heart went out to a young girl in a ruffled pink dress who seemed way below the unofficial thirteen- year-old age requirement. She marched in place as if she were on a drill team.

Riiiip. A girl stepped on the train of a walker a few feet from Tookie and tore the fabric right off the dress. Both girls fell forward into a heap. The walkers behind them stepped over their bodies and continued.

Crash. The De La Crème white and cream blow-up tent went down as two brawling girls entered it. Oof. A girl who looked as if she had never walked in heels before stumbled, breaking the tips of both stilettos. Two girls got into a fight at the end of their makeshift catwalk, rolling to the ground. “Kenya, use the Gyaku Zuki move!” her mother screamed. “Reverse- punch the hairy hag! But watch your hair, sweetie!”

At least Tyra (or her ghostwriter) have a sense of humor, right? Read the rest of the excerpt at Barnes and Noble.