Santa Maul has emerged triumphant from the gastronomic bloodbath, and he has spent the night cackling wildly about the encroachment of retail upon the day of platitudes, football, and flightless bird gorging. Not that he has gone out himself, of course: There is much to do at the Darth Pole, and he has been out of commission writing dirty fanfic taunting Star Wars fandom with poorly-thought out rumors and fancastings.
(Santa Maul can neither confirm nor deny that he or any other member of the Maul family has been approached to direct, write or star in any forthcoming sequels.)
Santa Maul knows there are many deals which you will be wanting to know of, but he must pace himself.
If you have any friends who somehow do not own the Star Wars movies, Amazon has marked the Blu-rays down considerably – perhaps knowing that ‘The Complete Saga’ 6-pack will soon be a lie and/or in hopes that foolish collectors will think they need to purchase extras. In any case, it will now only cost you $69.99, while the individual Original Trilogy and Prequel Trilogy are $29.99 each.
Only a Skywalker would be blind enough to wear this.
Entertainment Earth is apparently so desperate to to get rid of Luke Skywalker’s dorky yellow jacket that they have marked it down from $274.99 to $75.00. It even comes with a medal to make your lightsider friends feel better about their pathetic life choices.
Santa Maul is not a connoisseur of the comic periodical: As a man of taste, he prefers the ‘graphic novel,’ when he deigns to read things with pictures at all. For those who are not so sophisticated, he is inclined to report that Dark Horse will be having a Black Friday sale consisting of every digital Star Wars comic for the paltry sum of $100.
Santa Maul, as you well know, does not think much of the pan-fried moron you plebeians find so fascinating, one Darth Vader. Yet despite many upstanding, non-whiny Sith, he is the poster boy, so put up with him even Santa Maul must.
Thus, Santa Maul recommends to you this Limited Edition Designer Star Wars Movie Poster. It presents Vader’s plastic visage in the most minimalist way possible. While a bit too faux-retro for Santa Maul’s tastes, it is still a step above the usual overproduced horrors that pass as Star Wars posters. Now, if only a companion piece could be made featuring a more handsome, graphical, and actually sexy Sith.
Speaking of things that are fried and wrapped in plastic, Santa Maul finds himself delighted with the existance of Bacon Candy Canes. He plans to purchase some and leave them in Vader’s stocking.
‘Ah, Santa Maul, it is too early for you,’ perhaps you are saying. But you are wrong. Has retail taught you nothing? It is never too early for the trappings of Sithmas to intrude into everyday life. (Four days before Halloween! I am indeed mighty.) Santa Maul depends on your hatred and rage at the season’s shameless insidiousness, after all. It is what wakes him, long before his intended time. Well, that and the candy.
In any case, Santa Maul knows his lady readers, and the ladies (and many of the mens) love that silly twit Obi-Wan, even at his most mulleted. So he brings you this Sideshow production peek, to taunt you a product that will probably not be ready for Christmas! For such is his whim. Welcome to the Sithmas season, minions!
Santa Maul finds that there is nothing quite like the holiday season for bringing people together – and then rending them limb-from-limb. As a veteran of many blood-soaked Maul family Sithmas celebrations, Santa Maul encourages you to deck yourself in gear that shows you are not novice to the festivities.
Although he finds the Darth known as Vader to be little more than an unwisely pan-fried brute, the fact is that the plebeian hoards respect and fear his plastic visage. Show you are not to be trifled with by wearing or gifting his shrunken head!