Club Jade

Oh, ThinkGeek. OF COURSE you’re producing a lightsaber candlestick just in time for the holidays. Of course.

Santa Maul finds that there is nothing quite like the holiday season for bringing people together – and then rending them limb-from-limb. As a veteran of many blood-soaked Maul family Sithmas celebrations, Santa Maul encourages you to deck yourself in gear that shows you are not novice to the festivities.

Although he finds the Darth known as Vader to be little more than an unwisely pan-fried brute, the fact is that the plebeian hoards respect and fear his plastic visage. Show you are not to be trifled with by wearing or gifting his shrunken head!

If one desires a more subtle revenge, dried and roasted remains are often greeted with glee and horror.

Or Santa Maul supposes one may always just abandon subtly entirely.

Santa Maul would be well amiss if he did not pay tribute to the Joker this holiday season. He has it on good authority that Batman does indeed have a tendency to smell worse than a 501st changing room after a warm-weather march.

Santa Maul is also sure that he should be linking to Rebelscum’s holiday gift guide. He assumes most of you will be quite aware of these items already, but would rather not be pestered by that gangly social media elf of theirs.

Santa Maul is delightfully elite in his tastes, but he cannot help but be charmed by this Death Star Ornament. It will add just the perfect touch of destructive whimsy to any Sithmas tree. The creator has even posted instructions if you desire to create one yourself – or for an internet-unsavvy friend.

Also interesting, for those who require their presents to stimulate even the most jaded of grown-up children, is perhaps io9′s guide to holiday lightsaber shopping.

Santa Maul has officially woken to ring in the holiday season! Santa Maul is (mostly) proud to represent the rage and chaos of this most ridiculous season, and as such Black Friday is his favorite day of the year! Nevermind that he has been awake on the Twitters for several months: Only now can his true mission begin!

• If you shop at StarWarsShop this weekend, you can procure a Princess “Peek-a-Boo” floaty pen. Santa Maul is mildly perplexed that despite the recent refrain of Star Wars being for everyone, the action pen only shows images to please those who wish to gaze at the half-naked women. What of the lovers of the half-naked men? Santa Maul implores StarWarsShop to think of them – and offers up his dim-witted but supremely virile cousin.

• If you are brave enough to visit my true domain, the mall, delightfully overpriced kitchen store Williams-Sonoma is offering yet more Star Wars gear. Give into your hate!
• If you are wise enough to do all your Sithmas shopping online, Amazon has many filthy deals on DVD and Blu-Ray.
• If you have children or immature adults to buy for, other deals may be procured at Entertainment Earth. Santa Maul is particularly tickled by the Darth Vader golf club cover, for nothing says boorish bureaucrat like golf.
• Licensee Sideshow is running a contest to win a Blackhole Stormtrooper, the very name of which gives Santa Maul the giggles.
• ThinkGeek has many things on the sale, from the useful to the ridiculous.
• Geeks are sure to find something noteworthy on Wired’s wish list.
• One might also wish to give your loved ones actual books. Santa Maul recommends Club Jade’s reviews of holiday offerings Star Wars Art: Visions and The Jedi Path.

Go forth and buy, weaklings! Make Santa Maul and his unholy master Darth Sinterklaas proud this Sithmas season!

In less disturbing (…depending) costume news, the Jedi bathrobe we blogged about last year has finally made it over to this side of the pond. And there’s even one for those with less… brown allegiances.

The prices are even mildly reasonable, given the novelty nature. Just in time for early holiday shopping!

I’m sorry, but the coloring of the melted metal or plasma or whatever the hell that’s supposed to be makes me think of, uhh, the end result of liposuction. Yeah. A for effort?

Call me when they bring back the trash compactor, ‘kay?

Santa Maul considers himself a gentleman of taste. This means he does not wear baseball caps, or any such gear reserved for the beer-swilling masses. As such, he finds these Star Wars baseball caps – while wildly creative – not the type of thing he would ever let near his perfectly-adequate head. But again, Santa Maul’s duty here is not to outfit himself, but you… Or friends with ridiculously pedantic taste in headgear. Santa Maul only points and comment: The rest is up to you. And at least none of them hold beer.

Santa Maul has no desire to be crude, but he suspects there are many ladies among his readership who will be amused by Thinkgeek’s HTTPanties.

If underthings are not yet an appropriate gift for the geeky women in one’s life, Santa Maul urges his friends to peruse their selection of women’s t-shirts or tech jewelry. (A familiar-looking pendant necklace is on the sale.) Of course, Santa Maul knows there is much among ThinkGeek’s selection that is appropriate for all genders, and even younglings.

Santa Maul has been advised that there are some among his readers who are not disposed to the bearded Obi-Wan, snarky scoundrels, or even the sheer magnetism of a dexterous bad boy. No, some even prefer heroes of the goody-goody persuasion. Santa Maul is puzzled, but he knows his duty, and thus recommends to deviants of the light Sideshow’s Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight Premium format figure. At least he is not dressed in beige.

As an additional bonus, Santa Maul finds the faux-epic ‘trailer’ soundtrack tickles his bone of funny.