Club Jade

Once again, it is your humble captain, Hondo Ohnaka, pirate and outstanding entre… entrepre… businessperson. It seems that not all of you were following my leadership for starwars.com’s This Is Madness character tournament, but now that I have your attention, you can do better, and lead Hondo to victory again.

To help me with today’s picks, I have enlisted Bala-Tik of the Guavian Death Gang. Despite their name, he’s actually a nice guy. On the light side, we have Yoda against Finn. Bala-Tik tells me that Finn is some fugitive that escaped with Solo and BB-8, but I heard that he’s also a traitor. And betrayal is always good in my book. I didn’t even complain too much when my own men tried to betray me to those Sith guys. Yoda, on the other hand, he’s a small Jedi, and friend to my good buddy, Obi-Wan Kenobi. So he’s probably honorable, which I hear is good for a Jedi. But let’s go with Finn – he’s taller. Maybe he’ll be a big deal someday.

On the dark side, there’s Kylo Ren and Jango Fett. Jango, I knew him. He was a good hunter. Perhaps not as good as me, since I captured two Jedi and a Sith at the same time! Bala-Tik says Kylo Ren is a Sith Lord in the First Order, but likes to destroy stuff when he’s angry. Destroying stuff for fun is one thing, and for profit is even better, but just because you’re mad? That’s not good business. And it doesn’t impress your men. Plus I do not like Sith Lords, especially ones who don’t love their parents. My mother was a sweet woman. Sold me to pirates. So not Kylo Ren. Pick Jango.

On Monday, we have Ahsoka vs BB-8. Gotta go with Ahsoka. I think she likes me. Although she escaped from me. Well, no matter, she’s a good person, and BB-8 is a droid. You know how I feel about those. I’d still have a great base on Florrum if it weren’t for those clankers. Ahsoka Tano. On the dark side, there is Count Dooku against Captain Phasma. I could be friends with Dooku after he escaped my capture, but then he sent those droids! Outrage! It was just business, clearly he could see that. When the Republic’s number one enemy falls into your lap, you ransom him! Phasma, I hear, is like those stormtroopers, except that she’s taller and shiny. I do like shiny. Plus she hasn’t tried to kill me. Yet. Phasma. Tell that to Kanjiklub!

Now that This Is Madness has started on StarWars.com, I, Hondo Ohnaka, successful pirate, am here to tell you who to pick.

Most of you seem to be Jedi reading my mind since you were able to correctly pick for Day 1. Day 1 was Obi-Wan Kenobi against Padme Amidala, and Darth Vader against the Fifth Brother. As you know, Kenobi and I go back quite a ways, and I’m pretty sure we are still friends. He’s honorable for a Jedi, and it looks like he picked up the win. Darth Vader vs. the Fifth Brother. There’s a reason you give someone the title of Fifth Brother. Like First Senator or henchman 21, it shows where you fit in the order. And Darth Vader? I hear he’s the Emperor’s Number One. So yeah, not a surprise at all that Vader beat out a fifth tier baddie.

Onto the current matches. Today we have Skywalker’s droid, R2-D2, against one of Ezra’s crew, Sabine Wren. She seems to be quite the demolitions expert and the artiste. I can admire that. Sometimes I like to blow stuff up. Especially stuff that doesn’t belong to me. Droids, on the other hand, bah! Vizago uses droids, but not me. Vote Sabine! On the dark side, we have Jabba the Hutt and the Seventh Sister. Jabba thinks he’s all powerful, but he threw in with those two horn-heads who had wrecked my already wrecked base, and got many of my men to revolt. So I’m not for Jabba at all. The Seventh Sister? She looks like trouble. My kind of trouble. So I’ll go with her. Plus she has one of those laser swords. Those are pretty neat.

Tomorrow, we have Luke Skywalker versus Hera Syndulla for the Light Side. Man, the Ghost crew is put up against some tough players. Hera was nice enough to let me tell a story of how I saved Ezra and a load of generators for her rebel crew, so that is important to me. But Luke – he’s got one of those laser swords, and get this – his last name is Skywalker. I knew another Skywalker, and he seemed like a decent guy, when he wasn’t trying to escape from my prison. So Luke will probably win whether you pick him or not. On the dark side, Emperor Palpatine against Asajj Ventress. The Empire had made my life miserable. I once had my own crew, my own fleet, and a great base. Under the Empire, I have this box of credits. Not good business. Ventress, on the other hand, she seems like a formidable foe – I hear she has fought plenty of Sith and Jedi and lived to tell the tale. Vote Asajj Ventress.

After that, we have Chewbacca against Han Solo and Tarkin against Maul. Well, you know how much I hate Maul. He and his brother… you know the tale. So Tarkin for sure. But Solo and the Wookiee? Han is more the pirate, but Chewbacca did help Ahsoka once escape from slavers, and Ahsoka turned out to be okay in the end. And Wookiees could rip me apart. Chewbacca. On second thought, Maul. If he heard I told you to pick Tarkin, he might come after me, and I don’t need that.