Author: jawajames

Ptooey! This is not good business at all. I, Captain Hondo Ohnaka am back, and I’m about to hang up my boots for This Is Madness. Apparently, everyone does the opposite of what your wise pirate captain says. So you’re all fired unless you win one for my Kowakian monkey lizard!

Yes, I’m still upset that more people voted for Chewbacca than for my favorite Jedi, Ahsoka Tano. And now Yoda has bested Obi-Wan in the battle of the Order 66 survivors. This is not profitable for me at all. So time to change my business plan. Phase III – Profit!

So, in today’s matches:

• Light side: We have R2-D2 against Chewbacca. It’s like the battle of your favorite appliance against your favorite pet. Both are loyal and handy with machines and prone to saying things that shouldn’t be repeated in proper company. Hondo does prefer having a droid on his team over a Wookiee, simply because you don’t have to pay a droid. So vote Artoo. Don’t let the Wookie win.
• Dark side: Boba Fett vs. Palpatine. This one is the match between the walking box of matches and the walking sparkplug. Both are good way to start a fire, but neither make for good company. Well, Palpatine will at least talk to you, but he’s always cackling and talking about your very special destiny. So I guess Palpatine.

Then we move on to the final match for each side for the following day:

• Light Side: Yoda vs Artoo or Yoda vs Chewbacca. Yoda is one of those Jedi who never tells you the truth, and is all high and mighty from his temple chair on Coruscant. While Artoo and Chewbacca are both folk I’d actually have work for me on my crew. Yoda’s not much into piracy. So vote for Artoo or Chewbacca, you will. That’s my Yoda attempt. I’m pretty sure I did it in a convincing accent.
• Dark Side: Darth Vader against the winner of Boba Fett / Palpatine. I’m just going to assume that Boba Fett is going to win against Palpatine. But vote Darth Vader anyway. While Fett’s a businessman like myself, his business is usually involving rounding up some of MY business associates. And that’s not good for my bottom line. Vader, on the other hand, is so consumed with tracking down Jedi that he leaves me alone. And every now and then he hires me for a job when having the Empire won’t look good for the role. It’s like he knows me from somewhere, but I can’t place it.

So Team Hondo, go vote on the website or you’re all fired! And since I haven’t paid you yet, get fired and you’ll walk away with just the shoes on your feet. Unless you don’t have any shoes. Or feet. And if you don’t have feet, who needs shoes?

Greetings, it is I, the galaxy’s best pirate captain. I had a great weekend: I gave the crew some time off to enjoy celebrating the annual orb rebirth festival of Quay. What? You don’t believe in Quay’s ability to predict the future? You must be some sort of Waru worshipper.

Anyway, back to discussing StarWars.com’s ‘This Is Madness’. In the last round, Skywalker’s astro droid beat out the Princess of Alderaan and young Boba Fett came out more than a head above his father.

But this is the key last round of the Sixteen Strikes Back. On the light side, we have Chewbacca, first mate of the Millennium Falcon, against Ahsoka Tano, Jedi pony farmer. (Even I have visited Ashoka’s pony farm!) And no disrepect to a walking carpet that could rip my arms off, but I must go with my favorite of the Jedi, Ahsoka. And you must too, or else Hondo will have you scrubbing the outside of my ship… while we’re flying!

And on the dark side, Count Dooku versus Emperor Palpatine. If Count Dooku is a major thorn in my business, I could imagine that a full Emperor could be two thorns worth of pain. So better be safe and vote Emperor Palpatine. That Chancellor fellow seemed ok, for a politician. How bad could he be as emperor?

As we move into the third round tomorrow, Obi-Wan vs Yoda: Hondo likes Obi-Wan Kenobi today. Perhaps since Obi-Wan is both a worthy ally and sometimes a decent businessman. And he’s never thrown me in jail. Sometimes not paid me for all my trouble, but it is what it is. And Darth Vader vs Jabba the Hutt. If I told you half the things I knew about Jabba the Hutt, you’d probably end up on one of his hit lists. But if I told what I think I know about Darth Vader, I’d end up on his bad side. And I like my neck the way it is. Well, I could moisturize a little more. So, Vader.

It’s Hondo, again. You didn’t think that I would post two days in a row – well, this is Madness! Friends, I must thank you for getting out there to ensure that my favorite Jedi, Ahsoka Tano, edged out that Captain Rex in yesterday’s final bracket of the first level of StarWars.com’s This Is Madness character voting game. I’m sure that Team Ahsoka appreciated the support of Team Hondo.

Now moving onto the next round of This Is Madness: Sixteen Strikes Back. Really, only eight of these characters will be striking back… the other eight will be the ones striking out. That’s a baseball metaphor, and now you are totally surprised that ol’ Hondo knows what a metaphor is. I frequently have to use them to explain things to my crew. They are… I’d say, but I think one or two of them can actually read. But we were talking about This Is Madness, round two. Since Phase II of my plan to win has not panned out due to great support for Padme, Tarkin and Rex, but I’m still the top person not working for the Republic on the charts! Victory!

Today, on the light side, we have Han Solo versus Obi-Wan Kenobi, while on the dark side, it’s Darth Vader against Darth Maul. This throws me into a connun.. conunn… situation. Obi-Wan Kenobi seems like a pretty good Jedi, and Darth Maul is very menacing – I heard that he took over Mandalore. But the two of them (and Maul’s big horn-headed brother) did a great job of turning my already smashed up base into an even bigger mess. It took a week for my men to round up all the tookas again. Voting for Obi-Wan and Maul seems like a smart thing to do, and to show support for The Clone Wars.

But this Han Solo – he seems more my kind of trouble-maker. He’d be a good pirate. And that’s a trap. Pirates should never vote for other pirates – you never know when they’re going to switch sides. Well, you know, when the other side offers more money. But sometimes you get betrayed for unprofitable reasons like you once accidentally kidnapped their parents, or they are really in it for some revolution, or there’s a princess. So, stick with voting for Jedi: you know where they stand, and you can make them squirm. Obi-Wan Kenobi. Plus I hear he enjoys a good drink whenever he can get away from the Jedi Temple. That makes him even better in Hondo’s book.

And also vote for Darth Maul. He may not have his own legs anymore, but hey – neither does Vader! There is something familiar about Vader, and that disturbs me – he’s like someone I once did business with, or maybe kidnapped, or something. My gut is telling me there’s something off about him. Maul, on the other hand, is worth voting for, because I do want to know what happened to him. He took over Mandalore, and wanted to get Obi-Wan back, and now he’s gone quiet – I hope I’m not part of his plans: crossing his path once is enough for Hondo!

As for the next day: Luke vs Yoda, and Jabba vs Cad Bane. I think Yoda has the best chance of beating Han, so go for the old puppet. Jabba vs Cad Bane – ugh: choose the bounty hunter that beat me out, or support him to vote for The Clone Wars. I’m torn on that one.

It is I, Hondo Ohnaka, Scourge of the Space Lanes, and I want you to vote in today’s StarWars.com This Is Madness. Go there now and vote for my favorite Jedi, Ahsoka Tano, on the Light Side bracket.

Hondo normally doesn’t let other people talk when he wants to talk, but Ashley & David Eckstein has this important message, above.

I have no quarrel with Captain Rex – he’s a good guy, maybe a little uptight. But if I had to stick around that Anakin guy all the time, I’d be on edge too – never know when that guy’s gonna snap and go on a mad rampage. Also, I never know if Rex is looking at me or making faces under that helmet of his. There’s a reason my men don’t hide their faces – but some of them are so ugly, they should!

But Ahsoka – she’s more than just a pretty face. Of all the Jedi I’ve done business with over the years, she’s my favorite. Mostly because she doesn’t hold a grudge against me for too long, what with that time she jumped on my ship while I was trying to steal lightsaber crystals rescue those Jedi younglings from a damaged Jedi vessel. She’s got a good sense of when to fight, and when to talk, and I hear she’s looking for a new job. So go vote for her!

And in the dark side category, there’s Palpatine and IG-88. I think it’s in everyone’s best interest to vote for the Emperor. Because that’s what you do in an empire – vote for your emperor. I don’t want a visit from his stormtroopers – my base has been ransacked enough, thanks.

As for reviewing my previous picks this week, Team Hondo’s goal has sadly been slighted a bit by good performances by fellow-non-winners, Padme Amidala (who quite deserved being the top of the stack not advancing) and Count Dooku. Also, apparently my pick of Bossk seemed to push him closer to beating my own score.

So my loyal #TeamHondo followers, help push Ahsoka over the top!