Bobby Ewing Would’ve Loved This

“I SAW MARA JADE SKYWALKER ALIVE” SAYS CANTINA JANITOR

Jedi Council using claims of Mara Jade Skywalker’s untimely death for secret plan to take over New Republic

MALASTARE — Ido Kleeneen, night shift janitor at the Smuggler’s Cantina on Malastare, has come to the Tattler with startling revelations that Mara Jade Skywalker is alive and well.

     “I saw her plain as day right here in the cantina just last night. Yeah. It was her alright. That red hair and pissy attitude. It was definitely that Skywalker woman.”

     Mara Jade Skywalker, Jedi Master and wife to renowned Jedi Luke Skywalker, was supposedly killed while investigating a threat to the New Republic. However there have been several sightings claimed over the weeks since her death that are leading many to conclude that it was all faked.

     Mr. Kleeneen, a longtime worker at the Smuggler’s Cantina has reason to believe it was her. “She got really angry with me, saying that I had spilled her drink, but I was just cleaning up. That Skywalker lady was known for having a temper. It would be totally like her to get mad that I spilled a drink. It was her. I know it. I bet she faked her death so she could finally stop playing by all those Jedi rules and take out the government while everything’s all messed up.”

     Mr. Kleeneen is not alone in his opinions. Longtime contributor and conspiracy expert, Smel Doobee’us, says that it is typical for the powerful to fake their deaths. “We’ve seen it before. I mean, what kind of idiot would believe that a Wookiee could be killed by a falling moon?” said our expert, referring to the supposed death of Rebellion hero Chewbacca at the start of the Vong War. “These powerful people are always faking their deaths so they can live the rest of their lives in peace.”

     In this case, though, Doobee’us smells a womprat. “I don’t think Mara Jade Skywalker is the kind of person who could stand to go into retirement. If she did, why wouldn’t she have ‘killed off’ her husband and son? No. The real story is a move to take over a government in shambles. We have seen before how the Jedi have put aside their supposedly high moral standards to get what they want. Why not have the whole galaxy?”