After disappointing showings in previous years, Luke Skywalker not only made it to the finals, but won the whole thing, defeating previous champions Darth Vader and Obi-Wan Kenobi along the way. Newbies Rey and Kylo Ren also made quite a showing, facing off against Luke and Vader in the final four matchups.
I have returned, once again, to guide you with my wisdom. Yes, your fearless captain, Hondo Ohnaka, is back to tell you who to pick in the starwars.com ‘This Is Madness’ character tournament in the penulti… pe… second to last round. This round will decide which light side character and which dark side character will face off to see who the champion is.
On both sides, we have a bunch of those laser-sword wielding Jedi and Sith. For the light side, it’s Luke Skywalker against Rey. And right now, Luke has the lead against Rey. Both grew up on the Outer Rim without their parents, only to be shown a larger galaxy by a mentor who was killed by a Sith in a mask, and then started to learn about their Jedi skills. Also, both are good pilots. But I think I will pick Rey, because she had a tougher lot – Luke had his uncle and aunt and got to live on a farm. Rey had no one and lived in a crashed walker. That can’t be good for your back. Plus she can fly the Falcon, which I hear is a pretty good ship. Not as good as one of my ships, but perhaps close. So Rey.
On the dark side, there’s Darth Vader and his grandson Kylo Ren. And Vader has a big lead right now. So I’m going to go with that. I think Kylo will probably get mad though, and smash up some stuff. Or punch his side to get him pumped up to smash some stuff. But Vader – I hear he just fought off his apprentice, Ahsoka Tano, and she is a serious Jedi. or serious former Jedi. And my friend. So I don’t like Vader at all, but I do respect him from a distance. Vader.
And for the finals. I’m going to assume that Darth Vader wins the dark side. If he goes against Luke Skywalker, I say vote Luke, because as you know, Luke beat his father at Endor, and that counts. If he goes against Rey, I say vote Rey, because I don’t want Vader to win. Yes, just vote for the light side, since they are more likely to not put me out of business.
Hello once again! Hondo Ohnaka, Scourge of the Spacelanes, is back, and I have had a most profitable weekend. But you are not here to listen to me talk about it. You want me to give you orders for starwars.com’s ‘This Is Madness’ character tournament instead. But I will tell you about my weekend anyway, before I give you the picks.
Apparently, there was some festival with eggs and hoojibs, and to make a long story short, I ended up with a lot of confectionaries, and not that many unhappy younglings. Very successful weekend. Onto ‘This Is Madness’:
Monday: Light Side: Yoda against Ahsoka Tano. As you know, I am not a fan of most Jedi. And Yoda seems to be most Jedi. And he beat Finn. Ahsoka, on the other hand, she was smart enough to leave the Jedi Order. Plus, I consider her a friend. Or at least an ally I can trust. She did say she didn’t want to hurt me. So pick Ahsoka Tano!
On the dark side, we have Kylo Ren vs. Count Dooku. I did not want either of them to advance, yet here they are. Kylo Ren appears not to have any of the social graces that Dooku has. Even though he became my enemy after I captured him – it was only business, I tell you, Dooku, at least was polite. Perhaps less welcome once his Grievous and droid armies had captured my headquarters, but we lived to take it back, or at least wait until they left. Kylo Ren – he’s an angry fellow. Not good for business. Ha! Not good to deal with, at all! So Dooku. Maybe if I help him win, he’ll end his grudge against me.
Tuesday: Let’s talk about the dark side first: Boba Fett against Grievous. I do not like General Grievous. I think you know why. Boba Fett, though, he was a pretty good kid, for a bounty hunter. And I hear he became a good bounty hunter when he grew up. But then he fell into the Sarlacc Pit. But still better than that cyborg claw guy. So Boba Fett.
Light side: pick between Rey and Leia. Rey is a scavenger who survived in a hot wasteland alone, can fly anything, and might be a Jedi. Leia is a princess who survived her home planet blowing up, can lead anything, and might be a Jedi. This is a tough call. Both of them are worthy light side heroes. But I think I will pick Rey. I hear she’s really popular at the conventions these days. Rey, even though she beat my friend Ezra.
Good day! It’s your fantastic captain, Hondo Ohnaka, and now it is time to move onto phase two of our plan. In the “This Is Madness” character picking tournament on starwars.com, all those guys and ladies and droids and whatever that won in the first round have now moved onto face other guys and ladies and such who also won in the first round. So, let’s look at round two: Sixteen Strikes Back.
Thursday: Light: Obi-Wan Kenobi versus R2-D2. As you know, I don’t care much for the Jedi, but Kenobi is an all right guy. He at least doesn’t hold a grudge. R2-D2, I’ve heard, can hold a grudge, and he’s just a waddling bottle opener. But maybe he knows a lot of secrets, that could be worth money. Still, I choose Kenobi: He’s smart enough to never own a droid. Or at least claim to not remember owning one. On the Dark Side, Darth Vader against Jabba the Hutt. Jabba is a fair business-slug, but I would never pick him for anything, except maybe if I needed someone sat on. Or licking envelopes. Those are probably two things Jabba can do better than Vader. Those Sith lords are certainly more frightening, but the Empire put a crimp into my lifestyle, and I do not like that. But I hear Vader likes to choke his opponents while Jabba the Hutt got choked, so picking Vader seems the most profitable.
Friday: Going into weekend voting we have Emperor Palpatine vs Maul and Luke Skywalker vs Han Solo. And Batman vs Superman. While I don’t think much of politicians and old men, I do not like Maul at all. And I choose to stay alive by staying on his good side. or at least off of his list of targets. So I will pick Maul, although I’m pretty sure someone is pulling his strings. But I doubt it’s that old Emperor guy. So that Sith tattoo laser-sword monster. For the light side, we have a goody-Jedi and a smuggler. And what does that Jedi do when things get ugly? He runs away. I would never do that. Unless it was to stay alive. What does Solo do when the galaxy turns against him? He smuggles nasty rathtars! I like his spirit. Han Solo!
Hondo here, I feel you have betrayed me, voters. I am unhappy about this, but also proud of you. You have all learned so much from me. But, I won’t give you any more of my picks for starwars.com’s This Is Madness if you just keep voting against me.
This is how Team Hondo works. Captain Hondo Ohnaka, who is me, tells you who to pick. And you pick those people. No more betrayals! I do not like it, even if it makes me proud of you. So stop picking the other side, I say, and I will be content.
For Tuesday, we have Rey vs Ezra on the light side. Speaking of being proud of my proteges, I feel like a papa around Ezra. He has grown so much as a pirate. But Rey is a bit of a natural pirate: I hear she stole a ship, and it was the Millennium Falcon at that! But Ezra knows to lie, even to me! So pick Ezra Bridger. And for the dark side, Boba Fett and General Hux. Boba Fett is pretty smart and carries lots of weapons. Hux is pretty smart too, and has a Starkiller Base. I don’t even know what that is. I guess it kills stars. Fool. No one lives on a star! Plus I hear his best thing to do is give speeches and babysit Kylo Ren. So Boba Fett. I met him when he was a kid – he had a lot to learn, but I hear he did pretty well for himself. Plus, he doesn’t work for the Empire or the First Order. Well, not all the time.
Wednesday has the last match-ups for Round 1: The Rule of 32. The dark side has General Grievous and Agent Kallus. This should be simple. I do NOT like Grievous. He and his battle droids made a mess of my base on Florrum, and he made me look bad in front of my men. Kallus, on the other hand, did pay me some money, eventually, for helping him chase after Ezra. He didn’t catch him, but that’s my boy. So Kallus probably owes me. So pick Kallus. On the light side, we have Leia and Poe. I do not like politicians much, but I hear she’s also pretty good as a soldier, and maybe even a Jedi? But Poe – he’s a pilot, with a sweet jacket, that he gives to a new friend. I like this guy. Plus he stood up to that Kylo Ren. So a Jedi princess and a guy like me? Hmmm… I don’t know who to pick in this case. Good luck.