As the tyranny of the holiday season comes to an end, Santa Maul has taken time from his busy schedule to present to you the best tweets of the week. They are full of anger and rage and the Star Wars Holiday Special, as is only fitting. May your holiday be victorious.
It is with a distinct lack of regret that Santa Maul admits he is suffering from ennui this holiday season. After all, what could be more festive than utter boredom? Santa Maul has seen it all.
So naturally, he turns to flowers. Santa Maul’s friend Bright Copper Penny is creating Star Wars themed ‘Penny Blossoms’ for these who desire to feel pretty or witty or whatever.
For those with crasser tastes geared towards base metals, there is always the assorted Lord of the Rings paraphernalia, such as earrings or the actual One Ring. (Sold out, of course.)
Less apt to get one hunted down by particularly dim Ringwraiths is the ‘European-style charm bracelet,’ which is slightly less tacky and significantly more geeky than the versions Santa Maul has seen plastered on billboards in his travels.
For those who do not fall for the allure of shiny things, Santa Maul recommends the Han Solo in Carbonite business card case and Death Star ice mold. Santa Maul freezes his with ball bearings before putting it in the Maul family holiday punch bowl – it’s always fun to see which of his dim-witted bisected cousins ends up swallowing the most.
Santa Maul has emerged triumphant from the gastronomic bloodbath, and he has spent the night cackling wildly about the encroachment of retail upon the day of platitudes, football, and flightless bird gorging. Not that he has gone out himself, of course: There is much to do at the Darth Pole, and he has been out of commission writing dirty fanfic taunting Star Wars fandom with poorly-thought out rumors and fancastings.
(Santa Maul can neither confirm nor deny that he or any other member of the Maul family has been approached to direct, write or star in any forthcoming sequels.)
Santa Maul knows there are many deals which you will be wanting to know of, but he must pace himself.
If you have any friends who somehow do not own the Star Wars movies, Amazon has marked the Blu-rays down considerably – perhaps knowing that ‘The Complete Saga’ 6-pack will soon be a lie and/or in hopes that foolish collectors will think they need to purchase extras. In any case, it will now only cost you $69.99, while the individual Original Trilogy and Prequel Trilogy are $29.99 each.
Only a Skywalker would be blind enough to wear this.
Entertainment Earth is apparently so desperate to to get rid of Luke Skywalker’s dorky yellow jacket that they have marked it down from $274.99 to $75.00. It even comes with a medal to make your lightsider friends feel better about their pathetic life choices.
Santa Maul is not a connoisseur of the comic periodical: As a man of taste, he prefers the ‘graphic novel,’ when he deigns to read things with pictures at all. For those who are not so sophisticated, he is inclined to report that Dark Horse will be having a Black Friday sale consisting of every digital Star Wars comic for the paltry sum of $100.
Santa Maul, as you well know, does not think much of the pan-fried moron you plebeians find so fascinating, one Darth Vader. Yet despite many upstanding, non-whiny Sith, he is the poster boy, so put up with him even Santa Maul must.
Thus, Santa Maul recommends to you this Limited Edition Designer Star Wars Movie Poster. It presents Vader’s plastic visage in the most minimalist way possible. While a bit too faux-retro for Santa Maul’s tastes, it is still a step above the usual overproduced horrors that pass as Star Wars posters. Now, if only a companion piece could be made featuring a more handsome, graphical, and actually sexy Sith.
Speaking of things that are fried and wrapped in plastic, Santa Maul finds himself delighted with the existance of Bacon Candy Canes. He plans to purchase some and leave them in Vader’s stocking.
‘Ah, Santa Maul, it is too early for you,’ perhaps you are saying. But you are wrong. Has retail taught you nothing? It is never too early for the trappings of Sithmas to intrude into everyday life. (Four days before Halloween! I am indeed mighty.) Santa Maul depends on your hatred and rage at the season’s shameless insidiousness, after all. It is what wakes him, long before his intended time. Well, that and the candy.
In any case, Santa Maul knows his lady readers, and the ladies (and many of the mens) love that silly twit Obi-Wan, even at his most mulleted. So he brings you this Sideshow production peek, to taunt you a product that will probably not be ready for Christmas! For such is his whim. Welcome to the Sithmas season, minions!