Tag Archives: here there be sarcasm

The sequel trilogy totally isn’t real Star Wars (ELEVENTYONE!!) and Tosche Station has proof

Make sure your snark goggles are fully equipped before you head over to Tosche Station this afternoon: Brian has gone all-out to prove that the sequel trilogy Expanded Universe isn’t real Star Wars!

UPDATE: For those who fell into the sarchasm, Brian has written a follow-up entry detailing the point of the original post.

Ridiculous merchandise: Precious metal droids

Leave it to Japan… A company over there is producing gold and silver sculptures of Artoo and Threepio – actual gold and silver – for the 35th anniversary of Star Wars. According to Highsnobiety, they go for $1,800 and $6,000 USD, limited to 35 each, and will be available in May.

So, for $6,000 you can get a life-sized Darth Malgus… Or a gold Threepio? No idea how big these things are, but clearly there are way too many overly-solvent Star Wars fans out there, and Lucasfilm (or someone…) is fully committed to parting them from that money. Bless.

Video: Han Solo gets down in today’s ridiculously goofy Star Wars tie-in

Because the Slave Leia dance level in Star War Kinect wasn’t ridiculous enough, they made the Carbonite freezing platform a club?

How canon is this, you guys?!?

UPDATE: The reaction to this online has been such varying shades of angry-hilarious – I’ve collected a few choice tweets for later – that Kotaku’s Stephen Totilo wrote a piece on how folks need to simmer down and grow a sense of humor, a sentiment I completely agree with After all, it’s not like Star Wars has ever shied away from the boogie.

You take the good, you take the bad: Not-so-proud moments of the Expanded Universe

The other day i09 published a list of weirdest stories from the Star Wars Expanded Universe. Several of us – who’ve actually read the books and comics, not just looked them up on Wookieepedia – found their choices to be a tad uninspired.

As it so happened, I did a few posts on the topic myself a few years back. Now yes, we do love the EU here, but let’s face it: There’s a lot of awfulness in them thar hills, and we here at Club Jade have always been fans of facing them head-on. With sarcasm!

Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Continue reading

Brief blurb for Fate of the Jedi: Ascension, plus reveal dates for Karpyshyn TOR novel

The Random House Fall catalog is out, and there’s a brief blurb at hand for the eighth Fate of the Jedi novel, Christie Golden’s Ascension. For the sake of politeness I’ll black-bar it (highlight to read) but it’s really, terribly vague. Have at it:

In this penultimate novel in the bestselling Fate of the Jedi series, Luke Skywalker, his son Ben, and the Sith girl Vestara are in hot pursuit of the dread power called Abeloth, who has joined forces with the Sith in a bid to take over the galaxy. The leadership of the government is uncertain, torn apart by power struggles and infiltrators, while the Sith have a terrible secret that could shake the Jedi Order to its core…

(Must admit I burst out laughing at ‘dread power’. Oh, Del Rey.)

Also taking up space in the catalog is Drew Karpyshyn’s Old Republic tie-in. We learn that the title will be announced April 15th and cover will be revealed at San Diego Comic-Con. Also, breaking news: “STAR WARS GAME TIE-IN NOVELS ARE POPULAR.” Oh, is that why they keep publishing them? I had no idea.

Ascension is due out August 16; The Karpyshyn is currently slated for October 18. (via)

Snarky things on the Wookieepedia: Everything that has ruined Star Wars forever

Buried deep within the bowels of the Wookieepedia: A list of the many things that have ruined Star Wars! To quoth:

Fans realize something LFL does not, that robust 32-year-old billion-dollar franchises, while seemingly healthy, are in actuality as fragile as two bricks tied together with tissue paper. One mistake, one bad mis-step will cause the entire thing to shatter and fall apart; and Star Wars would be ruined forever.

Selections include midi-chlorians, Callista, Boba Fettishism and many, many more.

Download Del Rey’s complete Star Wars novel timeline in PDF

Are you one of the dozen or so EU fans deeply invested in timelines and whether the ones that are published in the books are complete? If so, it’s your lucky day: Suvudu has posted a PDF of the new one which includes everything an novel obsessive will need. (Theoretically, anyway. But my slavish attachment to informed opinion about reading in publication order is another post entirely.)

I’m no timeline junkie (clearly) but there does actually seem to be news in there! Head on over to EUC to see why the future installments of Lost Tribe of the Sith are exciting. (I guess?)

Roundup: Get ‘married’ at Celebration V, if you dare

The embarrassment squick strikes back. The second WTF moment of the runup to Celebration V has arrived… The Celebration Chapel. Yes, because going to a Star Wars convention just isn’t geeky enough, you can get a (not legally binding) “light side” or “dark side” wedding. Amusing in theory, but… Really? Seriously? That said, apparently I accidentally proposed to Mandy on Twitter earlier and was invited to photograph her other fake internet wedding, so… What? I’m not even sure anymore. Embrace the pain!

Panels. Shocker! There will be a collecting track! Okay, so it’s not shocking at all, since this has been pretty much the only track at the last couple of Celebrations. Sigh.

Guests. In addition to George Lucas, Carrie Fisher and the usual suspects, Ray Park (Darth Maul) and stunt coordinator Nick Gillard have been confirmed.

Don’t tell us the odds. The feds are predicting an “extremely active” hurricane season. Thought you should know.

It’s about The Clone Wars, silly

Really, io9? Really? Is there so little actual news in the entire world of science fiction and fantasy today that you had to dig up some news from December and try to spin it to be about the live-action series? Really? Here’s a hint: It isn’t.

On the other hand, thanks for the laugh. I needed that.