The other day io9 published a list of weirdest stories from the Star Wars Expanded Universe. Several of us – who’ve actually read the books and comics, not just looked them up on Wookieepedia – found their choices to be a tad uninspired.
As it so happened, I did a few posts on the topic myself a few years back. Now yes, we do love the EU here, but let’s face it: There’s a lot of awfulness in them thar hills, and we here at Club Jade have always been fans of facing them head-on. With sarcasm!
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
This list was originally published in 2005 at Blogs.StarWars.com in two entries: The Top Ten Most Eye-Sporking Moments in the EU and More Eye-Sporking EU Moments… As usual, this is only my opinion, and your mileage may vary!
Ben Skywalker kidnapped!
(Star by Star) Of the many kidnapping scenes in the EU, this one takes the cake, for two reasons. First, SBS was already overstuffed with action. Secondly, HAVE WE NOT HAD ENOUGH KIDNAPPINGS WITH THE SOLO BRATS?
Toddler Jedi Knight!
(Champions of the Force) Two year old Jacen. With a lightsaber. Need I say more?
“Did he call you Master?”
(Destiny’s Way) Luke and Mara prove that bad romantic dialogue is not only genetic but sexually transmitted. Seriously, this scene made me ashamed to have ever been a shipper.
The one armed wampa
(Darksaber) Because KJA is incapable of leaving any movie scene untouched.
Anakin Solo feels Mara’s labor pains
(Rebirth) Dude. Come on.
Winter and Ackbar’s true luv
(Champions of the Force) He’s a fish. I’m sure someone is going to call me an interspecies racist, but… seriously. A fish.
(Vector Prime) Mara cries about the the spores attacking her womb. Sob. Silly idea not helped along by the worst writing in the entire New Jedi Order series. Best thing to come out of this was the ‘pin the spores on the womb’ game Club Jade played at the following JadeCon.
(The Han Solo trilogy) Bria Tharen was not only Han’s real TRUE LUV, she also started the Rebellion and did a ton of other ‘important’ stuff. If Han hadn’t found out about her death moments before walking into the Mos Eisley cantina, Leia wouldn’t have stood a chance. Superwoman? No. Raging Mary Sue. (Yes, it’s an overused term, but when the shoe fits…)
Now here’s where I am sure to piss someone off. Sorry, folks.
The entire Young Jedi Knights Series
Jacen’s jokes. Tenel Ka, the one armed-Jedi. More random movie stuff. Characterizations that make cardboard look supple. Just when I didn’t think it was possible to write down more to one’s audience than the Jedi Academy did, this came along. Seriously, these things made Sweet Valley High look like Wuthuring Heights.
Courtship of Princess Leia
The whole book. Here’s a summary of the book I wrote a while back: Race of extremely beautiful women want Leia to marry their prince, Fabio, and become their Queen. Leia considers it. Han, driven to an out of character experience by Fabio (Isolder) making the moves on his woman, drugs and kidnaps Leia and they end up crash-landing on a planet of Force witches. Luke, having fended off the romantic advances of Fabio’s mother, goes after them, communes with wild animals, finds a crashed Jedi spaceship, and finally is captured by the Force witch princess Teneniel Djo, who, to paraphrase a friend of mine, traps him between her muscular thighs and claims him as her mate. After some rancor riding and yuffa wrangling, there’s a muddled battle involving good witches, bad witches, and more bumbling Imperials. The good guys win, Leia chooses Han, Fabio chooses Teneniel Djo, and Luke, fated to be the Anthony Michael Hall of the intergalactic Breakfast Club, gets a crashed spaceship full of Jedi stuff. Han and Leia get married on the very last page, breaking the heart of hardcore shippers everywhere with the lack of a big fluffy wedding.
The Gun of Command
Okay, this is how Han kidnaps Leia in Courtship, but it’s so awful that it deserves it’s own bit. This is wrong for so many reasons, the chief one being we’re supposed to believe that HAN SOLO needs an obedience gun to get Leia to go somewhere with him. There are other, far more disturbing implications that can be taken from such a object, but this is a family website. (Granted, a ‘family’ maybe more in The Sopranos sense, but still.)
The mating habits of Hutts
Did we really need to know? A.C. Crispin thought so. Sadly, it’s one of the more interesting points of her Bria-ridden and mostly useless Han trilogy.
Obvious Indiana Jones references
Crispin is guilty of this one, too – teenage ruffian Han insisting some trinket he’s stolen should only be sold to a museum. (Denning’s done it, too.) Harrison Ford plays both Han and Indiana Jones. WE GOT THAT, thanks.
When I first posted this, people wondered where the Zahn was. I actually like Zahn, but there is one thing that really annoys me… Having characters talk about how great Thrawn was in his later books. Yeah, he was a neat villian. But enough already.
“I just want to be worthy of the Jedi Master that I love.”
Anderson strikes again! This tragically sappy line of dialogue from Callista in Darksaber pretty much does her in as a character and cemented many shippers firmly with Mara in the Luke Shipping Wars of the 90’s.